The Bus I've Been On For The Last Six Hours: The Oppositelock Review

"E. Julius" (soonerfrommi)
01/29/2015 at 16:15 • Filed to: Buslopnik, taking care of busness

As some of you may know, my trip to Torino, Italy to catch one of the five starts of the Rallye de Monte Carlo Hstorique took an unexpected turn when I missed my train earlier today. Not wanting to miss out on the fun, I purchased a last minute bus ticket that promised to get me there for 45€—in 13 hours. How amazing is my rolling home for the next half day? Read the review and find out.

Exterior: 5/10

Woo boy is this thing boxy! Really though, it looks like pretty much every other coach bus made in the last ten years. Nothing to see here folks.

Interior: -2/10

Warm lighting, comfortably upholstered seats, fairly attractive faux wood flooring—what’s not to like? I’m even really enjoying the windows, which extend from the roof all the way down to thigh level. Quite refreshing compared to the gunslits on cars these days. Unfortunately, I’m going to have to subtract ten points given that my strictly assigned seat is directly above the toilet. Sometimes I wish my youthful amateur chemistry kick had more than partially damaged my sense of smell.

Passengers: 2/10

Surprisingly agreeable. A couple quiet conversations and phone calls, plenty of room for everybody. Most of the passengers are asleep. However , a less discerning reviewer likely wouldn’t notice a critical flaw in this element of the vehicle: the smell of their bodily excretions. Seriously, what the hell are these people eating?

Luggage space: 4/10

Under–cabin storage is ample, but the overhead storage is weirdly low, making my stuffed backpack a tight fit. Strange decision given the absurd amount of headroom available.

Ride: 5/10

The big soft suspension—the bus rocks when people step on and off—eats up most of the bumps in the road, so the ride is pretty smooth. Unfortunately, the ride is also 13 hours long, and the dinner stop left much to be desired. French rest stops have a mere sliver of the panoply available at American rest stops. No protein bars, beef jerky, hot dogs, McDonald’s or Subways here. This, combined with my complete lack of willingness to pay 15€ for a burger literally prepared in a microwave, led to me purchasing the ‘dinner’ pictured below.

Handling: 9/10

If a 1974 Cadillac is a floaty boat, this thing is a ship. That being said, this has to have some serious maneuverability chops to be able to navigate the streets and traffic of Paris. I was impressed.

Gearbox: 7/10

Judging by the look I got at the shifter, this thing is rocking some sort of automated manual transmission. The driver rocks the lever forward or backward to shift gears. No word on what the clutch situation is, but the shifts are smooth and unobtrusive.

Audio: 3/10

Road noise and engine noise are fairly minimal. Sound of the man intermittently snoring for the last three hours substantially more audible. No word on the stereo besides the fact that it’s set at a volume too quiet to discern any speech or music from my position in the bus, but just loud enough to annoy the hell out of me. Headphones engage.

Toys: 9/10

Built in navigation for starters. Big visible clocks that make it impossible to ignore the fact that you still have 10 hours left on this bus. Major points for the built in wifi and outlets at the seats though. No worries of dead batteries, and I don’t have to use my mobile data plan. It is a bit slow, but hell, I’m in a bus. Seats both recline and move side to side (I’m assuming in case you’re stuck next to an exceptionally unbearable passenger), so that’s pretty nice.

There’s also a big screen up front that showed our progress on the route, weather data at the destinations, a camera feed from the front bumper, and a safety video at various points throughout the first twenty minutes of the ride. Then the driver turned it off. Minor points lost for lack of video streaming on the wi fi, but that really doesn’t bother me too much.

That inclined white surface above the toilet is what my seat hits when I fully recline.

Value: 8/10

Considering I was already 75€ in the hole for the non–refundable train ticket I missed, and another ticket for tomorrow would have been 113€, 45€ to get there really wasn’t bad. That being the said, the ride is 13 hours. Brutal.

Total score: 50/100

All in all, the bus has been tolerable, although I imagine substantially less so if it were more crowded. That being said, unless you have very little money or extenuating circumstances like mine, this seems like a pretty bad choice compared to the high speed train. I will try and avoid doing this again if at all possible.

DISCUSSION (15)

Jonathan Harper > E. Julius
01/29/2015 at 16:21

I feel for you. Nice write-up.

E. Julius > Jonathan Harper
01/29/2015 at 16:22

Thanks! I tried to keep it entertaining, for both me and the readers haha

Jonathan Harper > E. Julius
01/29/2015 at 16:26

Haha I know that feeling. I think it worked :)

BATC42 > E. Julius
01/29/2015 at 16:34

Kinja'd!!!

Oh, I see you're taking advantage of the new idBus service. I was wondering earlier if you booked them or Eurolines.

E. Julius > BATC42
01/29/2015 at 16:37

Yep! Got it through the same app I use to book all my train tickets, which was nice. I kept the review pretty tongue-in-cheek for entertainment value. Speaking seriously it's been pretty nice, especially for the price. That being said, with my Carte Jeune TGV or other SNCF tickets are pretty comparable if I book in advance.

BATC42 > E. Julius
01/29/2015 at 16:46

Yeah, the Carte Jeune is pretty handy, and gives nice discounts. Crazy expensive otherwise. I never book in advance though, because a) it never cross my mind and b) I take the train a few times a year (enough to justify the card) and I always decide to do it last minute.

Last time I took the TGV, I did a Aix-en-Provence -> Paris and back for 120€ round trip, in first class, and took the tickets 3 days before :)

E. Julius > BATC42
01/29/2015 at 16:51

Not bad!

ttyymmnn > E. Julius
01/29/2015 at 17:45

Kinja'd!!!

I'm glad to see you're eating well.

Cé hé sin > E. Julius
01/29/2015 at 17:49

"Judging by the look I got at the shifter, this thing is rocking some sort of automated manual transmission. The driver rocks the lever forward or backward to shift gears. No word on what the clutch situation is, but the shifts are smooth and unobtrusive."

Setra bus, they're owned by Mercedes, so Merc EPS (automated manual). Probably an older version, new ones have a column mounted lever. The older ones used a clutch pedal, new ones don't.

Kinja'd!!!